Peoples response to me when I tell them I don’t know what to do with my life is to tell me that I just have to find something that I really want and I will do my best to make that happen! And I’ve tried that. In fact I currently have goals that I really want. But I also don’t know what I want to do. i can’t see myself having any future whatsoever, and I don’t mean “I can’t go on without her!” like my best friend seems to think, I mean “I can’t go on at all regardless of whether she is in my life, or anyone is in my life, or anything at all!!!” Like I can’t even explain it! I want to have a future, and I want to be successful and alive 10 years from now, one year from now, fucking tomorrow, but I cannot perceive how I could achieve that, or even how that would even be remotely possible, and that terrifies me and that’s not even exactly what it is but it’s the closest I can get to it.
Salt makes mistakes taste great.
I think I’m becoming, like, a sith or something. I try to meditate so I can calm down and not be angry, and before I know it I am super consumed with anger and I calm down almost instantly but for a second I am literally ready to destroy anything.
I miss hating someone this badly, which is bad, because the last person I hated this much deserved it because he was a shitty woman-objectifying alleged-rapist and all this guy has done is go out with my ex, which makes me a TERRIBLE FUCKING PERSON LIKE HOLY SHIT WHO’S THE REAL ASSHOLE HERE?
the fact that he is associated with the high school drama program literally makes me want to burn my drama t-shirt, which is my favourite shirt because it’s pink and comfortable, but he is tainting it’s name so I actually think I’m going to get rid of it (i’m definitely never wearing it again)
i cant even fucking go on facebook anymore because his fucking face is everywhere because fucking drama festival fuck his fucking face i want to hit him.
Anonymous asked: Hello! I'm sorry that all these jumblies are happening around you right now. Sadness is something that can happen to anyone; one could own a multi-million dollar donut-shop chain, but that doesn't mean things will stop being upsetting to them. You are sad right now, and that's okay! the sooner you accept your feelings, the sooner they stop being something to beat yourself up about (not to say that some things are), and the sooner you can move onto things that make you happy, like dinosaurs!
I like that you said One could own, as opposed to you could own. I have no clue why.
Also I asked a girl on a date sometime next week (which I don’t know if is possible (how do I actually say somthing like that? I don’t know if is possible seems like poor english but gets the idea across) because aunt in town) but I’m not actually sure if I want to? I mean, I really like her as a person, she’s super awesome and really attractive, and she likes all the same stuff as I do so we’d have shit to talk about, but going on a date seems weird, and what if it leads to more? Like going out with someone seems really terrifying right now because my last relationship ended so shittily and I’m scared I’m going to be this awful paranoid bastard, and what if that does happen again (like, logically it isn’t going to just cuz of the type of person she is but fuck logic) and I am still so so so very in love with my ex and what if something starts up again with her? I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but if my ex wanted me back I would go because I miss her like i miss my dogs who got shot by the cops when I was 7, like I literally cried for two days straight both times and now I’m smoking cigarettes which is something I said I would never do but i don’t even have an excuse for that someone just said you look sad have a smoke and I did and fuck. I wish I could drive but I feel like if I did I would just start driving and not stop until my car broke down and just live there.
It makes me feel awful to be upset about the things I’m currently upset about. Feeling awful about those things is one of the things I’m upset about. The other things are the concert tickets I bought and couldn’t get a ride to, my ex girlfriend being on a weekend trip with her new boyfriend, being still completely in love with my ex girlfriend, the fact that her boyfriend is better friends with my friends than I am and I literally cannot be in a room with him without getting irrationally upset (he showed up without warning at a gaming club meeting on monday and I packed up my stuff and walked home), my aunt coming up for thanksgiving (the last time I saw her she was getting married, and now she’s divorced and her daughter is 5). These are all stupid fucking things to be upset over, and I feel like a horrible privileged douche for being upset over them. The fact that I feel like I need to make this post and complain at a bunch of people who have no reason to give a shit about me, who I have no right to burden with my problems, because they have far more problems that are way worse than mine, i don’t even know how to finish this sentence to fit with the beginning. I don’t know.